Decisions… June 2, 2011

“One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree. ‘Which road do I take?’ she asked. ‘Where do you want to go?’ was his response. ‘I don’t know,’ Alice answered. ‘Then,’ said the cat, ‘it doesn’t matter…’

My last day at work is exactly 8 weeks from today. Good gracious, it’s really hard to believe.

I can’t even begin to count the people and things I’ll miss.

So what to do?

Someone should really warn us as children that your early twenties will probably be one of the hardest parts of your life.

All the changing, the shifting from teen to college student to full-fledged adult.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my life and am beyond grateful to have as many fantastic times as I do but sometimes…sometimes I just wish someone would have warned me.

I have to find a new job. I have to choose a new life path. College was an easy choice. So were my internships and my current job. Will this next decision come so easily? Is it naive to hope so?

I’m afraid of failing. I’m afraid of taking a step backwards and ending up wasting my time in a job far below my skills and passions. I love working in the not-for-profit world and will never quit doing volunteer work, but there are also so many other options out there.

I have no attachments, no obligations. If there were ever to be a time in my life where I can do whatever I want and go wherever I want to go, this is it. Part of me says I should stay in Springfield. A smaller (but still very vocal) part of me says I should move, just pick a state and go.

I have a feeling I’ll be doing a lot of thinking this weekend…but for now it’s time to de-stress and burn some calories!!

Afraid to try or afraid to fail? May 17, 2011

 “To fail is a natural consequence of trying. To succeed takes time and prolonged effort in the face of unfriendly odds. To think it will be any other way, no matter what you do, is to invite yourself to be hurt and to limit your enthusiasm for trying.” – David Viscott

Two years and 7 days ago, I graduated from college. Two years and 1 day ago, my boyfriend and I ended an almost four year relationship. A year and 23 days ago I let go of the residual ties I had to my college life and moved from my college town to the city I now live in.

My life has changed a lot over the past couple of years and even though things were so much easier back when I was in college—no full-time job, an easy class schedule, and friends around every corner—I wouldn’t trade those times for the ones I have now. I can honestly say I’m happy with the way things have worked out thus far so I’m not sure why I sometimes lose myself in the fear of change…especially when it comes to my dating life. Yeesh.

For reasons I haven’t yet fully discovered, I have a tendency to go after guys who I know things won’t work out with. I rarely…if ever…give the good guys a real shot. I reason it away by saying I’m not one to settle, despite my trying to “settle” with guys who were no good for me.

So I find myself asking – Am I afraid to try or afraid to fail? Just why have I been so unwilling to open myself up to those men who might actually be good for me?

Over two years ago, I set out on this path of self-discovery and I must say it’s been a tremendous adventure. I’ve learned to love myself, to laugh at my flaws while still striving to be better, to accept my mistakes as learning experiences, and to be grateful for the obstacles and challenges that are sent my way. I feel stronger and happier than I ever dreamed possible. And today I’m letting go of my fear that letting someone in might change all of that.

My horoscope for today: You’ll be thinking about commitment, and the repercussions of such an action — and well you should. This is the stuff that major changes are made of. Are you sure?

My response: No of course I’m not!….but I’m going to try.

A quick update on my life May 16, 2011

I had such a wonderful weekend, but I’m really starting to get sick ‘n’ tired of this cold I have! It’s going on two weeks and I’m still sick. I kept waking myself up last night because I’d go into coughing fits. Blech.

Saturday was great, though. I decided to make a pizza from scratch for a friend. Fortunately he wasn’t too hungry as I was supposed to have it ready at 1pm when he got there and I hadn’t even proofed the yeast yet! Hehe oops. In my defense, I did start at 10:30am, the yeast just wasn’t cooperating! We finally got to eat around 3 and I must say for my first attempt at pizza from scratch it wasn’t half bad. It was a little saucy and light on the cheese, but I really liked it.

Then that evening HP and I went to celebrate our literary society’s 100 year anniversary. It was so great seeing everyone, despite my feeling like crud the whole time. On the way home, HP hit a opossum and I screamed. It makes me sad to laugh at that but it was kind of funny…the screaming part, not the death of a poor wittle animal. I’d had some wine so I’ll admit I was feelin’ a little loosey-goosey.

Sunday was a very lazy day. Obviously HP’s idea of pushing my immune system to its limits isn’t working as I woke up at 2pm on Sunday and still ended up going to bed at 7:30pm. Not being able to breathe out of your nose is surprisingly exhausting!

My lazy weekends are definitely over for a while, though. Within the next three weeks alone I have over thirty-five hours of volunteer work scheduled for myself. I’m really excited about it, especially since stuff with Habitat is really startin’ to roll, but I’m also nervous I may have over-extended myself. Fortunately I have Fridays off now that it’s summer time so I think I can make this work without getting burnt out. Plus it’s the summer and most of my volunteer work is outside – sunshine = happiness!

I’m so excited it’s finally summer…even if the weather seems to be confused (it was 54 degrees in my apartment when I woke up on Monday…wth…) I’ve definitely been much more inspired to work out on a regular basis and I’m truly excited to get off work today and go for a run. Now if only I could get over this cold and get an uninterrupted night’s rest, I’d be one happy camper who would start getting up at 5am to run in the mornings instead of the evenings…or at least that what I’m telling myself

Good Ol’ Summer Time May 12, 2011

There’s something about the summer that really motivates me to get my life in order. I don’t know if it’s the cold or the dreary skies that come with winter, but I’ve definitely been slacking the past six months. Now that it’s nice out, though, I’m ready to charge full-speed ahead! This is definitely something I need to work on because if I’m going to work this hard over the summer, I can’t let that energy end up having been wasted once winter rolls back around.

Just like exercising, I find it’s easy (and enjoyable) to be super productive in all aspects of my life after taking that first tiny step. On Monday, for example, I had quite a few things to do that I had meant to do over the weekend. Due to a head cold, I slept away almost the entire weekend and didn’t leave my apartment once, save for a random scooter ride with a friend. It was Monday, though, and blaaaah who likes to do things on Monday, especially after being at work for 9 hours? I told myself – “Just go pick up some groceries and then if you want to spend the whole evening lounging on the couch, you can.” So I stopped after work and picked up some groceries. As I was leaving the parking lot, I spotted Petco and decided I might as well stop and pick up some snake food (otherwise I’d just have to go back later this week, can’t let the poor fella starve after all!) When I was putting away the groceries at home, I was struck by inspiration times two; first, I decided that if I just spent all that money on healthy food, I might as well get my butt in gear and go for a run and second I should probably cook myself something delicious yet healthy for dinner. So after putting away the groceries, I went on a two-mile run…and then after showering I ended up doing the dishes, doing laundry, baking myself a vegetarian lasagna, and going on another two mile run with a friend – all because I forced myself to pick up some groceries!

Having started this week off on such a productive note, I feel driven to keep it up. I tell myself every day that I’m going to get up an hour earlier than usual and work out before getting ready for work. And every day I hit that blasted snooze button. Okay, so I’m not perfect, but I’m trying! Even though I really do prefer to go running in the morning, I’ve found a certain enjoyment in working out after work. Not only is it nice to get some sun (I work in a windowless office and don’t usually make it outside during my lunch break) but I sort of like sweating out the day’s stress, it makes for a much more relaxing evening. The only problem I’ve come across is that it’s a lot harder to fall asleep at night – I have too much energy! Yet another reason I really should quit hitting that snooze button and work out in the morning…

Another problem I’ve found with working out as hardcore as I have been is that I want to eat EVERYTHING in sight. I’ve done really well at eating healthy, that hasn’t been a problem for me since I started on this weight loss journey two years ago, but staying under my calorie limit has been a struggle. I try to limit myself to (at most) 1550 calories a day but it’s so hard. My breakfast smoothie alone (greek yogurt, skim milk, and frozen berries) is over 500 calories! I know, though, that calories aren’t the only important factor in a healthy diet and I do well at hitting/staying under my other nutritional goals – fat, protein, carbs, etc. – so I won’t be too mad at myself. But, man, I’m always hungry! I just keep reminding myself it’s going to be so worth it. If I can lose 80lbs in a year, I can easily drop the 10lbs I put on over the winter and another 15 after that. There is no doubt in my mind that I WILL be in the best shape of my life by the time August rolls around. Even just typing that out makes me eager to get off work and go for a run!

Celebrate Life May 2, 2011

My Facebook, like every other person’s I’m sure, has been overtaken by people cheering over Osama’s death and I’m truly torn as to how to feel about it all. Yes, he was an awful person, a mass-murderer, and really there are no adjectives strong enough to express just how horrible he was, but since when is it okay to celebrate bloodshed of any sort? When did it become okay to cheer for death, so long as it was the bad guy dying? Why are we taking to the streets in jubilation instead of using this time to reflect and remember those who died because of this man’s actions and leadership? I’m not sure I understand just what we’re cheering for – justice, perhaps? Vengeance? Our symbolic victory? The death of this man really doesn’t change anything, though; those we lost on 9/11 and in the Middle East are still gone forever.

By no means am I condemning those who feel the need to celebrate, but instead of cheering and cracking jokes about this death, why not take this time to celebrate life. To be thankful we have so many strong military men and women protecting us. To feel relief that there’s a little less evil in this world. To feel inspired to want to fill the world with a little more good.

I realize I may sound to some like a way-too-liberal hippy pacifist and I fully expect many people to disagree with me. All I can say is…thank goodness we live in the land of the free, eh?

“I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness, only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.”

-Martin Luther King Jr.

Challenges aren’t a bad thing April 28, 2011

This month has been challenging for me. Work has kept me beyond busy and teetering on the edge of burn-out. Moving into a new apartment and adjusting to living with someone has been tough, especially since her cat loves to wake me up every morning at 4:30am (and once I’m up, I’m up). I’ve been battling disappointment with myself for not sticking to my workout schedule. And to top it all off, my mom called me yesterday while I was still at work to let me know my dog had been put to sleep. Ugh. What a week right?

Except…

I have a job that I truly love. If I were stationed anywhere else, I don’t know that I could do it. Even before taxes, I average less than minimum wage and while I’m by no means materialistic, it’s occasionally a struggle to want to work hard when I have to live on a budget that allows minimal-to-no spending money for myself. I’m so lucky, though, in that I work in an office filled with some of the most friendly, caring, wonderful people I’ve ever met. Not only that, but I truly enjoy the work that I do and that’s so much more important than “making the big bucks.” I could have found a job that pays better, but I know I’d rather be happy with what I’m doing than be miserable at work but have an extra dollar in my pocket.

And as far as living with someone goes, I have to look at the bright side (which can be hard to do at 4:30am but I try!) I love my roomie, she’s been one of my best friends for three years now, and it’s great to get to live with her and be saving money all at the same time. I’m fairly certain her cat is just working on adjusting as well and for whatever reason 4:30am is his time to cry about being in a new place. If it continues beyond another week or so, I’ll just have to take up stock in cat nip…

In regards to working out, well that’s just my own fault. I’ve been up early enough to do it, but more often than not I find excuses not to because it’s been so cold and rainy. I lost ninety pounds in a year, though, losing twenty shouldn’t…WON’T…be a problem. I’ll give it to myself that saying April has been busy and stressful is a huge understatement and it is hard to want to work out when it’s cold and dreary. I know that working out would have helped improve my mood this month and reduce my stress level and frankly I don’t have any real legit excuses. I’ve come a long way, though, in how I handle the obstacles life throws my way and all-in-all I’m really proud of the way I live my life.

Okay so April wasn’t the best month ever, but guess what? First of all, life would be boring if it wasn’t challenging; without challenges, how could we discover the areas in which we need to work on ourselves? Second, Sunday is May – what a perfect opportunity to get back on track and accept the challenges of the past month as a part of the road leading to a better, stronger me. It’s going to be the best summer thus far so I hope you’re as prepared for it as I am!

Oh and if you’re ever in need of a boost, I highly recommend you check out The Daily Love. It’s filled with positive energy and mood-boosting content, the daily e-mail you can receive is a great way to start off any day!

This picture used to hang in the trailer on my great-uncle’s farm and it made me smile every time I saw it when we were camping:

Love Advice from a Nobody (part 2) April 11, 2011

I’ve been (more-or-less) single for two years. There have been a few guys I suppose I might have called “boyfriends” but very few men have made it past date three with me, let alone to the stage of monogamy and “seriousness”. That’s not to say it’s their fault by any means; things just didn’t work out for one reason or another. At times I will admit I’ve grown frustrated. I see so many of my friends married, or at least in serious relationships, and I think – what the heck? Where’s mine? Then I stop and think about it. One day I will be married and if there’s one thing I have unwavering faith in, it’s that when I do get married, it will be to the love of my life. There’s simply no such thing as divorce in my world. Once we do meet—Ha and on a side-note I was actually randomly told by a psychic today that I’ll be twenty-five when I meet my future husband—I’ll never again feel the butterflies of that first date or the breath-taking, slow motion moment right before that first kiss. So I’ll continue enjoying the fun dating life that I have, taking each failed date or awkward moment as a lesson towards improving myself so I’m all the better when I do meet Mr. Right.

In the past two years I’ve gone on a lot of first dates (online dating, friends matching you up with friends, and smiling at the guy in front of you in line at the gas station are all great ways to meet men). I’ll be the first to admit that I have a rather high set of standards; that’s not to say I’m unreasonable when it comes to the kind of men I want to date, but I’m an intelligent, attractive, accomplished, ambitious woman and I deserve the same in a man. Lately I had fallen into the habit of cancelling on guys or just say “no” flat-out because I knew we wouldn’t work, but I quickly became aware of the fact that I was destroying learning opportunities.

I have a friend who often goes out with men she only sees as friends and always says “it wasn’t a date!” My response to her is always, “If he paid, it was a date.” So instead of cancelling or saying no to the men I’m fairly certain I’m not interested in, I schedule dates that are more “friend-like” than “date-like” to ensure he doesn’t spend any money on me and turn it into a date-date (still with me here?) This means instead of dinner, I suggest going for a walk, meeting at the movies, or going out for a couple drinks. With the movies, you can arrive early and buy your own ticket before he shows up. When out for drinks, again all you have to do is arrive early and open up a tab (it makes it easier to trade off on who buys the next round). Once the idea of it being a romantic date is out the window for you, it becomes a lot easier to open up, relax, and just enjoy the chance to improve your interpersonal skills and make a new friend.

So my random advice for the day is to throw “no” out the window. You don’t know within a few dates whether this person is completely right for you in a romantic sense or not so why not start things off at that “friendly”-level and not worry about what comes next? Have fun because if you do things right (and have a bit of luck on your side) you could end up spending the next eighty years with the same person.

Better single than sorry!

 

Like a rubber band April 5, 2011

Ha so much for my committing to this Daily Challenge thing. I still read the e-mails every day, that counts for something, right? And I do them every once in a while but they’re hardly worth blogging about. Today’s challenge, for example – “Go for a new grain – cook with a whole grain you’ve never used before.” Okay fine if I were any sort of “real” blogger I could easily turn that challenge into a blog-worthy topic—and with my luck I’d probably run into one of my many formers that all seem to shop at the same grocery store as me at the same time, which in itself always makes for a fun story—but I just don’t want to. I think that’s in due part to my odd mood today. I’m not exactly in a bad mood by any means but I’m feeling…out of sorts. It’s weird, too, because I started this day off in a fantastic way. I woke up without that typical feeling of grogginess, I had time for breakfast and coffee at home, and I left my apt earlier than I needed to. Unfortunately when I was halfway to work I realized I had left my wallet at home and therefore had to turn around or starve all day but I really don’t think that’s to blame for my feeling of oddness.

I think part of it is due to a mistake I think I recently made. I’m not sure, though, if it was actually a mistake or if it was the right thing to do…now that I’m thinking about it, this might be the exact reason I’m feeling discombobulated. I won’t go into personal details, but as you may have guessed, this has to do with a man (crazy, I know…) Oh well…que sera, sera and if not, well you won’t know the difference anyway, right? I made a promise to myself that I was going to cut out all of the “dead love” in my life and thus far I’ve made good on that promise. I keep telling myself that in order for love to blossom, you have to cut away the wilted parts (i.e. the men of my past who were still in my present).

As far as the other commitments I’ve made – I definitely haven’t been working out 30 minutes every day (though I have gotten better about working out on a regular basis, if only the weather would stay nice…) I weigh myself almost daily (it’s so hard not to!) I’m good about drinking plenty of water (haven’t had soda yet this week!) And as far as smiling at strangers…hmm, I haven’t noticed whether I do that more often than normal, but I’m going to start making a conscious effort to smile even more (which is actually pretty easy, but at least I’m stickin’ to somethin’!)

Okay so for real this time, I’ve got a few commitments I’m making to myself for the month and I AM going to stick to ‘em. For one, I’m going to continue my 8 glasses of water a day (easy enough!) Two, I’m going to eat breakfast at least three times a day (not just down a smoothie and call it a win). Finally, and here’s the challenging one, no more dwelling on dead love and mistakes I may or may not have made.

I snap back like a rubber band. Just have to remind myself of these things on days like this…

 

Evening addition:

I feel much better than I did earlier today. It’s probably because I just got done with a run – gotta love those endorphins! I think I may have overdone it a bit, though, because I’m wheezing and I finished up about 15 minutes ago…oops! Guess my body wasn’t ready for sprinting but my mind needed it. To be honest, despite the fact that I can’t breathe, I feel absolutely fantastic. I was also productive this evening in that I managed to get my grocery shopping done (something I had hoped to do on Sunday but instead ended up going to bed at 6:30pm!)

Ah now the hard part…what to make for dinner…hmmm….spinach salad with jalapenos, bell peppers, broccoli, and cucumbers it is! (Amazing how easy it is to want to eat healthy after exercising…ha well actually I guess that doesn’t apply to everyone and technically I love to eat healthy all the time, but it’s a good theory, no?)

Day 2 March 11, 2011

Ok so other than my lovely little challenge, yesterday was a dud. I did nothing…and I mean NOTHING. I’m not even sure how I passed the day away considering I didn’t even nap and yet I did nothing. It was relaxing, though, and a good way to start finishing up Spring Break. Nevertheless, I’m going to make up for yesterday’s laziness today by:
1. Doing laundry.
2. Working out at Curves.
3. Going for a walk.
4. Talking some food to the food pantry.
5. Vacuuming out my car.
6. Making sure there are no dirty dishes in the sink at the end of the day.
7. Getting stuff together for tomorrow’s festivities.
8. Clean out the snake cage.

Can you tell I love lists?

Oh! Today’s challenge is to drink a cup of water before I get thirsty. Easy considering water and coffee are all I drink!

Day 1 March 10, 2011

Challenge: List 5 traits, skills, or talents you’re happy you have.

1. I’m well-spoken.
2. I make amazing vegetarian lasagna.
(this is surprisingly hard to do…I love who I am, why is it so hard to come up with traits I’m happy I have…?)
3. I don’t hold grudges.
4. I’m good at coming up with new ways to get people excited about community service.
5. I’m not afraid to act like a little kid sometimes (i.e. playing at a playground or partaking in a game of flashlight tag).